Tales of Tortallans
by Naiya Blackrose
Summary: a show where Tortallan couples get interviewed! Special karaoke time! Faithful singing! Surprise interview with Roger from the Realms of the Dead! Please read and review!
1. some weird scenes and a not interview wi...

Tales of the Tortallans A/N ok well this is my 1st fic so don't be mean and flames are not welcome  
  
Oh yeah. disclaimer.. I don't own any of these characters.. they all belong to the fabulous Tamora Pierce though I wish I owned them.. n e wayz.. all I own is the plot so don't sue me plz oh yah.. other A/N I had help writing this from my friend Lady Lily  
  
Our show begins in an old abandoned warehouse fixed up for a Tortallann style talk show. On the ceiling a disco ball is visible and there are 2 big red poofy couches and 2 big red poofy chairs.  
  
Disembodied Voice: Hello and welcome to Tales of Tortallans! Hosted by the lovely Lady Kel of Queenscove and Lady Lily!  
  
Lady Kel: Thanks DV! I will be hosting todays episode of Tales of Tortallans along with my good friend Lady Lily! How bout a round of applause for her! Lady Lily.. where are you??* looks all around and under the couches*  
  
Disembodied Voice: I cant work like this! I will be in my trailor!* walks offstage* Lady Kel: Oh not again! This is the third time this week! * follows Disembodied Voice offstage* * runs into Lady Lily* Oh there you are! We've been looking everywhere for you!  
  
Lady Lily: Oh sorry! I couldn't find my lucky shoes! Then when I found them I lost my lucky bracelet! Hey where is DV going?  
  
Lady Kel: To his trailor. He says that he refuses to work like this. You better go after him.  
  
Lady Lily: Ok. * follows DV to his trailor * Hi DV!  
  
Disembodied Voice: * blushes* Hi Lady Lily!  
  
Lady Lily: Will you pleeeeeease come back? For me? * does the puppy dog pout *  
  
Disembodied Voice: Oh alright. * follows Lady Lily back onstage * announces * Time for today's episode of Tales of Tortallans!  
  
Unknown crewmember:* holds up sign that says CLAP in big flashing letters *  
  
Audience: * claps *  
  
Lady Kel: Thank you everyone! Now for today's special guests! How bout a round of applause for Keladry of Mindelan and Cleon of Kennan!  
  
Keladry: * walks out dragging a nervous looking Cleon* sits down on big red poofy couch next to Cleon  
  
Lady Lily: Hi Keladry and Cleon! Welcome to Tales of Tortallans! Cleon: *looks nervous * points at cameras * Are those things on??  
  
Lady Kel: Yes but don't worry! Only a few million Tortallans are watching! * smiles brightly *  
  
Cleon:* runs offstage crying * I want my moooomyyyyyy!!!! Waaaaaaah!!!!!!  
  
Keladry: * hits head with hand * Not again! Cleon! *runs after Cleon *  
  
Lady Lily: That went well.  
  
Lady Kel: Um yeah. sure. *smiles brightly * I know!!! DV come here! * whispers something in DV's ear*  
  
Disembodied Voice: * smiles * * announces * Now for Karaoke Time!!! Yay!!!  
  
A blonde woman comes out in a pink dress with lots of frills, lace and bows. Pink lights flash over the blonde woman.  
  
Blonde Woman: Hi everyone! I'm Josiane ex-princess of the Copper Isles! Now this song is for all you little evil doers out there! * pauses to take breath* * begins to sing * Oops I did it again! Went a little crazy! Ooh baby baby! Oops I did it again! I killed a black cat! Then got cut in half! Oh Jonny Jonny! Faithful comes out wearing a purple sequined jacket with a bow tie and a purple sequined top hat.  
  
Fathful: * stands on hind legs * * picks up microphone * * starts to sing * But I will survive! I will survive! It took all the strength I had not to fall apart -  
  
Lady Kel and Lady Lily: * push Faithful and Josiane off the stage* Wow what a performance!  
  
Lady Kel: Now for our interview with Roger from the Realms of the Dead!  
  
Lady Lily: * pushes button *  
  
A big screen comes out of the floor and the lights dim. The screen starts playing the interview with Roger.  
  
OK HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT?? I am so excited cuz that's my first fic! Yay!! Well did ya love it? Hate it? Let me know!! Oh yeah and for the interview with Roger. I need you guys 2 review with questions you have for Roger and that will be the interview ok? Plz plz plz review!!!! * gets down on knees and begs * plz !!!!!!! I will be grateful 2 all those who review. as for those who don't. I am close friends with the Lioness!!!!! Hehe the more reviews I get the happier I am and the quicker the next chapter will be posted!!!!! 


	2. A plea for help

Tales of Tortallans~~Plea for help  
  
  
  
OK YOU GUYS!! ITS ME. (duh) I REALLY REALLY need people to review with questions for Roger or I cant post the real chapter 2!! SO PLEASE HUMOR ME AND SEND SOME IN!!! Thank you and Goddess bless.  
  
~~Lady Kel of Queenscove 


	3. interview wit roger and a surprise guest

Tales of Tortallans-chapter 3 (the real chapter 2)  
  
A/N I bet you all thought I gave up on this fic didn't you??? Well, I didn't! hehe  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, myself, and karaoke time. Lady Lily owns herself. ( I hope )  
  
  
  
* a big screen comes out of the floor and the lights dim. The screen starts playing the interview with Roger *  
  
  
  
Roger: * sitting on floor sulking and muttering things * I cant believe im dead, I cant believe im dead.  
  
Lady Kel: * walks up to Roger * * hits him on the head* Stop that! We have come to. * is cut off by Roger *  
  
Roger: Rescue me?!?  
  
Lady Lily: * wrinkles nose * Eww. No way.  
  
Lady Kel: As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, we have come to interview you!! Isnt that great?  
  
Roger: * grumbles * Whatever  
  
Lady Lily: * sits in chair and gets out bag of questions from reviewers * * hands first question over to Lady Kel *  
  
Lady Kel: * reads question * * says knowingly * its from Keita.  
  
  
  
* sobbing * WHY DID YOU DO IT??????? WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY! * sob sob sob * howzzat? Hehe.  
  
Keita  
  
Roger: Well. I did it because. I wanted the crown! And I wanted Jonathon DEAD!! Why you ask? Because he was so much better looking than meeeeee!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! * sobs *  
  
Lady Lily: * bursts out laughing *  
  
Roger: * death glare *  
  
Lady Lily: * stops laughing * * hands Lady Kel next question *  
  
Lady Kel: * says knowingly * this one is from Angel Reaper. Nice name!  
  
Even though I don't really like Roger ( like does anyone like him?) I will give him one question to answer. Does he hate Alanna for what she did to him? Cuz I can imagine he does.  
  
Angel Reaper  
  
Roger: Aah. beautiful Alanna. * shakes head * Of course I hate her! She killed me twice! I would have made her my Queeeeeeeeeen!!! WAAAAAAAAAAH!!! * sobs again* HEY!!! * stops sobbing * Of course people like me!!! I like me!!!! * angry look*  
  
Lady Kel: Ok. * weird look on face *  
  
Lady Lily: * looks horrified * hands over next question.  
  
Lady Kel: Its from SportzGurl.  
  
How did it feel to be killed by a GURL???  
  
SportzGurl  
  
Roger: * dazed look * it felt wonderful. * snaps out of it * Ehrm. I mean. it was horrible! And embarrassing too! The greatest sorcerer in the land, killed by a little bitty redheaded girl! * huffs* Its not fair.  
  
Lady Kel and Lady Lily: *roll their eyes *  
  
Lady Lily: * hands over next question *  
  
Lady Kel: Its from my friend!!! Shelly Salmalin!!! YAY!!!  
  
Did you love Alanna or something???  
  
Shelly Salmalin  
  
Roger: * blushes * Maaaaybe.  
  
Lady Kel: Answer the question or I will make you.. * thinks up interesting torture for Roger * I will make you clean my trailor!! MWAHAHAHAAA!!!  
  
Roger: * looks terrified * NOOOOOO!!!! OK!!! YES!!! I LOVED ALANNA!!! BUT SHE DIDN'T LOVE MEEEE!!! SHE LOVED JON!!!!! WAAAAH!!!! * crys *  
  
Alanna: * suddenly appears looking dazed * WHAT??? DID HE JUST SAY WHAT I THOUGHT HE SAID????? * grabs sword and chases Roger * COME BACK YOU EVIL PERSON YOU!!!!  
  
Lady Kel: * evil laughter * MWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Alanna! Come back! I need Roger to answer more questions!!!  
  
Alanna: * puts sword down * Ok * sulks *  
  
Lady Lily: * hands over next question * Don't worry. You can have your fun after he answers our questions!  
  
Alanna: * cheers up *  
  
Lady Kel: Its from QueenPiscies!  
  
Roger- Why did you go evil in the first place???  
  
QueenPiscies  
  
Roger: Because I wanted the crown!!! And I wanted Jon dead! I wanted to be the best looking guy around!! But JON had to go and spoil it!!! * angry look *  
  
Lady Kel: Ok. Next question!  
  
Lady Lily: * hands over next question *  
  
Lady Kel: Its from Keziah!  
  
Ok.  
  
1. Did you ever feel something more than friendship for Alex?  
  
2. Whats it like to get killed, rise from the dead, then get killed again by the same person??  
  
3. If Alanna were here what would you do and say to her?  
  
Keziah  
  
Roger: Of course I did!!! Alex was like my little brother!!  
  
Alex: Did I hear my name?  
  
Lady Kel: * death glare *  
  
Alanna: * evil grin * Oh Alex! Come heeeere!! * runs after Alex *  
  
Alex: NOOOOO!!!!  
  
Lady Kel: Well that takes care of him.  
  
Roger: Whats it like?? PAINFUL THAT'S WHAT!!! Hmm. if Alanna were here. I would hug her and kiss her and hug her and kiss her and hug her and- * is cut off *  
  
Lady Kel: * claps hand over Roger's mouth * SHUTUP!! Geeze. Well that was our last question! Bye Roger! Alanna we're leaving!  
  
Alanna, Lady Kel, Lady Lily: * dissapear *  
  
Back on the show the lights turn back on and screen goes back into floor.  
  
Lady Kel: That was one of our more interesting interviews.  
  
Unknown crewmember: * holds up CLAP sign *  
  
Audience: * claps *  
  
Lady Lily: DV!! Come here a minute! * tells DV something *  
  
Disembodied Voice: Time for today's guests!! Numair Salmalin and Veralidaine Sarrasri!!!  
  
Numair: * walks onstage and waves *  
  
Girl in audience: MARRY ME NUMAIR!!!!  
  
Girl in audience # 2: WE LOVE YOU!!!  
  
All girls in audience: * hold up signs that say things like WE LOVE U and MARRY ME *  
  
Numair: * blushes *  
  
Lady Lily: * shrieks * MY LUCKY ANKLET!!! I FORGOT IT!!!  
  
Lady Kel: Well you know what that means. We have to call in our substitute co-host while Lady Lily gets her anklet! Shelly Salmalin come on out!!!  
  
Unknown Crewmember: * holds up CLAP sign *  
  
Audience: * claps *  
  
Shelly: * walks out and waves * Hi!!!  
  
Numair: * eyes Shelly *  
  
Shelly: * starts playing with her hair * ( A/N we don't blush we play with our hair lol)  
  
Lady Lily: * greets Shelly and walks offstage to find lucky anklet *  
  
Lady Kel: Where's Daine????  
  
Numair: * sighs * She had to miss the show. She's currently in the Realms of the Gods visiting Sarra and Weiryn.  
  
Shelly: Oh too bad. * looks very happy *  
  
Numair: * smiles at Shelly *  
  
Shelly: * starts playing with hair again *  
  
Lady Kel: * evil grin * * resumes normal look * So, Numair, having any relationship problems?  
  
Numair: * sighs * Well, every time I go to snuggle up with her, an animal crawls in between us. And we have been arguing about her pets lately.  
  
Lady Lily: * screams * I FOUND IT!!!!  
  
Shelly: looks like its time for me to leave now. * smiles at Numair *  
  
Numair: * grins and follows Shelly offstage *  
  
Lady Kel: Who's the best matchmaker in the world? Oh yeah! ME! * does happy dance *  
  
Lady Lily: * joins in on happy dance * Wait. Why are we doing the happy dance??  
  
Lady Kel: Cuz I set Shelly up with Numair! Oh yeah! * resumes doing happy dance*  
  
Lady Kel: *stops dancing * DV come here a sec! * whispers in DV's ear *  
  
Disembodied Voice: Now for today's Karaoke Time!!  
  
George: * walks onstage wearing shirt and breeches *  
  
Alanna: * follows George onstage wearing shirt and breeches also *  
  
George: * picks up microphone * There she was just a walkin down the street singin Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo. Snappin her fingers and shufflin her feet singin doo wah diddy dum diddy doo. She looked good,  
  
Alanna: looked good  
  
George: She looked fine  
  
Alanna: looked fine  
  
Both: And I nearly lost my mind!  
  
George: There she was just a walkin next to me singin doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo! Holdin my hand just as natural as can be singin doo wah diddy diddy diddy dum diddy doo. We walked on  
  
Alanna: walked on  
  
George: To my inn  
  
Alanna: To my inn  
  
Both: then we kissed a little more  
  
George: There she was just a walkin down the street singin doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo. Snappin her fingers and shufflin her feet singin doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo We looked good  
  
Alanna: looked good  
  
George: we looked fine  
  
Alanna: looked fine  
  
Both: Wedding bells are gonna chime! * bow *  
  
Lady Kel: Awesome! Best karaoke act so far!!  
  
Unknown Crewmember: * holds up CLAP sign again *  
  
Audience: * claps *  
  
Lady Kel and Lady Lily: Well! That's it for today's episode of.  
  
Audience, unknown crewmember, Lady Kel, Lady Lily, and Disembodied Voice: Tale of Tortallans!!!!  
  
Audience: * screams loudly *  
  
Lady Kel and Lady Lily: * bow and walk offstage *  
  
HEY HEY!! I finally got chapter 2 up! WOOOO HOOO! READ AND REVIEW!!! Peace, Love, and Goddess Bless!  
  
~~Lady Kel of Queenscove 


	4. Karaoke Madness!!!!!!

Tales of Tortallans-chapter 3  
  
A/N My favorite cousin Issa helped me write this chapter  
  
Disclaimer: all I own is the plot, myself, and Karaoke time. Lady Lily owns herself, Issa owns herself, her lucky hamster named Luckie, and her dog Sophie, and the Tortallans are owned by Tamora Pierce so don't sue me!!! * waves sword around crazily * MWAHAHAHA!!  
  
Disembodied Voice: Welcome to today's episode of Tales of Tortallans with our hostesses Lady Kel of Queenscove, Lady Lily, and Princess Issa, Lady Kel's cousin!!  
  
Unknown Crewmember: * holds up our favorite CLAP sign *  
  
Audience: * claps *  
  
Lady Kel, Lady Lily, and Princess Issa: * walk onstage gossiping *  
  
Lady Kel: Welcome to Tales of Tortallans! Today we have a special guest!!  
  
Princess Issa: Hi!!! * waves to audience *  
  
Man in audience: * faints *  
  
Other men in audience: * blush *  
  
Princess Issa: * weird look on face * Is there something wrong with my hair or something?  
  
Lady Lily: Noooo..  
  
Lady Kel: Anyway.. Today's episode is an ALL KARAOKE EPISODE!!!  
  
Princess Issa: Today's show will be called the Karaoke Madness episode!  
  
Lady Kel: Now for our first contestant Roger singing Im a Nut  
  
Roger: * walks out onstage wearing brown shirt and leggings with green tunic *  
  
Princess Issa: *Thinks to herself what is he wearing * * puts false smile on face * Great outfit Roger! * mutters quietly * Not.  
  
Lady Lily: U may begin when u want.  
  
Roger: * smiles * * picks up microphone and starts to sing * I'm just an acorn round, sitting on the cocoa ground, everyone steps on me that is why I'm cracked u see. I'm a nut * clicks tongue twice and taps head twice * I'm a nut, Im a nut, I'm a nut! * repeats movements * Called myself on the telephone just to see if I was home, ask myself out on a date, picked me up at half past eight * taps his watch * I'm a nut, * does movements * I'm a nut, I'm a nut, I'm a nut, I'm a nut. Took myself to the movie show sat myself in the very last row, put my hands around my waist I got so fresh I slapped my face, Im a nut, * does movements* I'm a nut, Im a nut, Im a nut, Im a nut...  
  
Wait. am I sposed to know the whole song??? * looks worried *  
  
Lady Kel and Princess Issa: YES!!! * roll eyes *  
  
Unknown Crewmember: *pulls Roger off stage *  
  
Roger : *yells * did I win????  
  
Princess Issa: *yells with an attitude * NO!!  
  
Lady Kel: * looks exasperated * He is sooo annoying!! I am NEVER letting him on an episode of this show again unless its about stupid crazy people which isn't happening anytime soon. Unknown Crewmember take Roger to my trailor!! By the time this show is done, I want it CLEAN!!!  
  
Roger: * terrified look * NOT THE TRAILOR!!!! AAAAAAH!!!!! * attempts to run off * * is unsuccessful *  
  
Princess Issa: Lady Lily would u please tells us who are next contestant is.  
  
Lady Lily: Sure, our next contestant is Faithful, singing meow, meow, meow.  
  
* Faithful walks out onstage *  
  
Lady Kel: isn't he cute.  
  
Sophie, Princess Issa's dog: * tries to chase Faithful * * is grabbed by Princess Issa *  
  
Lady Lily: You may begin.  
  
Faithful: * comes out wearing purple shirt * * sings into microphone headset * Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow, meow, meow! I want chicken, I want liver, meow meow meow meow, Please deliver! Meow meow meow!  
  
Lady Kel: * gushes * AAW!!! That was SOOOO CUTE!!!!!  
  
Princess Issa: well.. I think he is hungry. Well I can say one thing it was better than the last one who didn't even know the whole song!! * rolls her eyes *  
  
Lady Kel: Take him to my trailor and give him some food!  
  
Faithful: While im there, Im gonna give that Roger a piece of my mind!!! * grumbles about crazy blonde cat killers *  
  
Princess Issa: Poor faithful. Go get him!! * thinks to herself how annoying roger is *  
  
Lady Kel: Now, our next guest will be Veralidaine Sarrasri singing Underneath Your Clothes!  
  
Daine: * walks out in blue long sleeved dress that flares out at the wrists and has silver embroidery * * picks up microphone and sings while pointing to a blushing Numair * You're a song, written by the hands of Gods, don't get me wrong, for this might sound to you a bit odd, but you own the place, where all my thoughts go hidin, and right under your clothes, is where I find them! Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story, there's the man I chose, there's my territory, and all the things I deserve, for being such a good girl honey! Because of you, I forgot the smart ways to lie, because of you, I'm running our of reasons to cry, when the friends are gone, when the party's over, we will still belong, to each other! Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story, there's the man I chose, there's my territory, and all the things I deserve for being such a good girl honey! I love you more than all that's on the planet, movin talking walkin breathin, you know its true, oh babe its so funny, you almost don't believe it, as every voice is hangin from the silence, lamps are hangin from the ceilin, like a lady tied to her manners, im tied up to this feeling! Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story, there's the man I chose, there's my territory, and all the things I deserve, for being such a good girl, for bein such a good girl!!! * bows and walks offstage *  
  
Lady Kel and Princess Issa: Wow. * cheer * We love that song!!!!!  
  
Lady Lily: * mutters to herself * I hate that song. Why would anyone would sing that song. Urgh.  
  
Princess Issa: Our next contestant is Numair Salmalin.  
  
Numair: * walks out onstage wearing a black robe *  
  
Lady lily: Numair will be singing a part from I like big butts.  
  
Lady Kel: You may begin at any time you want.  
  
Numair: *Grabs microphone * I like big butts and I cannot lie when a girl walks in with a itty bitty waist and a big thing in your face you get SPRUNG. * grins and walks offstage *  
  
Princess Issa: well... oookay  
  
Lady Kel: That was... interesting. * false smile * Anyways.Princess Issa tell us who are last contestant is.  
  
Princess Issa: our last contestant, George will be singing Eyes Like Yours.  
  
George: * walks out in white shirt and tan breeches * * picks up microphone and starts to sing while pointing to Lady Kel, Princess Issa, and Lady Lily * oh you know I have seen, a sky without sun, a man with no nation, saints captive in chains, a song with no name for lack of imagination, Ya eh, Ya eh, Yaya eh, and I have seen, darker than ebony, and know it seems that I without your eyes can never be, my one desire, all I aspire, is in your eyes forever to live, traveled all over the seven oceans cus there is nothing that I wouldn't give, came from Bahrein, got to Beirut, looking for someone comparing to you, tearing down windows and doors, and I could not find eyes like yours. * smiles at hostesses and walks offstage *  
  
Lady Kel, Princess Issa, and Lady Lily: * start playing with their hair *  
  
Princess Issa: *gasp* how beautiful *wipes away tear drop *  
  
Lady Lily: that was okay I guess. The only thing I like about that song was the fact that George sung it.  
  
Lady Kel: * says in sing song voice * oh you know you loved it. It was the best song I ever heard!!!  
  
All: Now time for us to decide who the three winners will be!!!!!! * whisper a lot *  
  
Lady Kel: The third place winner will be * drumroll * * gasp * * faints * * wakes up * ROGER WITH IM A NUT!!!!!!! * sobs *  
  
Roger: * exits trailor looking smug * HA! TOLD YA I'D WIN!  
  
Lady Kel and Princess Issa: * say with attitude * Yeah third place! And you won yourself another trailor cleaning! HA!!  
  
Lady lily: the second place winner is....... *opens little envelope * Veralidaine Sarrasri with Underneath Your Clothes!!!!!!  
  
Princess Issa: our first place winner or should I say winners are George with Eyes Like Yours, and Faithful with meow meow meow.  
  
All of the contestants: * walk onstage and take a long bow *  
  
Lady Kel: Third place winner receives.. * drumroll * A new cleaning rag for when he re-cleans mine and Princess Issa's trailors!!!! And if he gives attitude about it, he will be cleaning Lily's trailor too!! * death glare *  
  
Second Place winner will receive a hamster since we all love them!!!!!  
  
Daine: * beams * I looooooove animals!!!!  
  
Lady Kel: And the first place winners will receive cat nip and a lock picking set!!!! All of the contestants, even the ones who didn't win, will receive the book So you want to train your magic!!!!! Now for a grand finale, Princess Issa and I will be singing Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo!!!!!!!  
  
Both: There we were just a walking down the street singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo. Snapping our fingers and shuffling our feet singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo. We looked good.  
  
Lady Lily: looked good  
  
Both: We looked fine  
  
Lady Lily: looked fine  
  
Guys in audience: * yell * And we nearly lost our minds!!!!  
  
All three: * bow * * yell * AND THAT'S IT FOR TODAY'S EPISODE OF TALES OF TORTALLANS!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Hey hey hey!!! Another chapter down!!! How did ya like it?? Review and tell me!!!!!!! School is starting soon and I wont be able to post stories for a while do to an overdose of homework! Peace, love, and Goddess Bless!!!  
  
~~ Lady Kel of Queenscove, and Princess Issa 


	5. Stupid Annoying people, and the other pe...

Chapter 5 Tales of Tortallans  
  
A/N Hey people! I haven't updated this since about August so I thought it might be nice to actually put up a new chapter. Aren't I just the greatest? Yea yea I know I am. You don't have to tell me. I wrote this chapter with my cousin Issa again and I have changed my nickname from Lady Kel of Queenscove to Mistress Moony, and Lady Lily is now known simply as Becca.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and myself. Becca and Issa own themselves and their pets. Any characters you recognize belong to Tamora Pierce and J.R.R Tolkien.  
  
Chapter 5~~ Stupid crazy people, and the other people who hate them  
  
Disembodied Voice: Welcome to today's episode of Tales of Tortallans, with our hostesses Mistress Moony (Ashlee), Issa, and Becca. It seems like they have had their midlife crises early, and have decided to change their names.  
  
Unknown crewmember: *unsure of what to do *  
  
Issa: * glares at DV *  
  
Ashlee: * throws a shoe * You little son of a-  
  
Becca: * finishes Ashlee's sentence * Disembodied lady!!!!  
  
Unknown crewmember: * holds up Clap sign *  
  
*Issa, Ashlee, and Becca walk out on stage *  
  
Issa: Welcome to today's show of Tales of Tortallans.  
  
Ashlee: This episode is called Stupid crazy people and the other people who hate them!  
  
Becca: Lets have our first guest come out.  
  
*Roger walks on stage holding a cucumber *  
  
Issa: What the hell is up with the cucumber?  
  
Ashlee: * runs over to Roger and grabs the cucumber * Yes!!!! I've been looking for more cucumber slices to put on my eyes!!! * Does a happy dance *  
  
Roger: Noooooo!!! Not Hewey!!! Please! Stop!!!  
  
Alanna: * comes out onto the stage *  
  
Becca: This is Roger the stupid crazy person. Here we have Alanna, the person who hates him.  
  
Ashlee: Can I borrow your sword for a minute?  
  
Alanna: Sure.  
  
Ashlee: * chops up cucumber and places two slices on eyes *Aah. How relaxing. Ohhmmmmm. Ohhmmmmm. * Realizes she is on TV * Hehe. Well that was a demonstration of how to.. Umm.. Slice up cucumbers with a sword and place them on your eyes. Er, Issa, take over for a minute while I go, uh, do.... While I go talk to DV. Stop being so nosy!!!  
  
Issa: * weird look on face * Ok..Well Alanna, what don't you like about Roger?  
  
Alanna: Well, for starters, he tried to kill me. Also, my cat doesn't like him, he tried to kill Jon, and * sob * he was mean to me!!!!  
  
Issa: * wipes eyes with a tissue * That is the saddest damn thing I ever heard. * passes Alanna a tissue *  
  
Ashlee and Becca: * exchange looks *  
  
Ashlee, Issa, and Becca: * exchange looks *  
  
Alanna and Roger: *exchange puzzled glances *  
  
Alanna: What's with all the exchanging looks around here??  
  
Hostesses: * grin evilly * * all say * After we meet all the annoying people out here, there will be a surprise for them!  
  
Alanna: Why isn't there going to be a surprise for the good people?!?!  
  
Issa: Oh, there will be. * evil laughter *  
  
Becca: Roger why would you do all these stupid and mean things to Alanna?  
  
Roger: Well. I don't like her hair, her cat, or her stupid prince either!!!  
  
Alanna: *lunges at Roger *  
  
Issa: * grabs Alanna in mid air * you can kick his butt while we go on a commercial break.  
  
** Commercial **  
  
Does your sword ever get dull from all the blood that gets on it when you stab somebody? Well, here is the new blood cleaning, non-dulling, Mage- powered sword cleaner! You just dab here, here, and here, and rub it away with your grime covered sleeves! Only 9 silver crowns at your select market place.  
  
** Show Returns**  
  
Roger: * sporting black and blue bruises all over face *  
  
Alanna: * smiling smugly *  
  
Ashlee: Ok. Now for our new annoying guest, * reads card in disbelief * Frodo from the Lord of the Rings? * To Becca and Disembodied Voice * Why are characters from the Lord of the Rings here? This is Tortall! Plus, I like Frodo!  
  
Frodo: * walks onstage looking dazed * Where am I?  
  
Issa: Frodo, your not in the Shire anymore. Now * dramatic pause * your in Tortall!!  
  
Frodo: * mutters * great.  
  
Becca: And now for the person who is annoyed by Frodo. How about a big welcome for * gasps and gets Issa and Ashlee to read the card * * all three gasp * * Becca continues * A big welcome for Samwise Gamgee.  
  
Audience: * gasps *  
  
Issa: I thought you guys were best friends??  
  
Sam: I am sooooo sick of being bossed around by Frodo!!! Sam, clip these flowers, Sam clip this bush. Sam Sam Sam!!!!! Its like I'm Cinderella or something!!!!  
  
Cinderella: You called?  
  
Hostesses: * weird looks *  
  
Everyone: * silence *  
  
Cinderella: Well fine. I know where Im not wanted. * leaves *  
  
Issa: Can you say rude?  
  
Ashlee: Rude. Ok. Now for the big surprise at the end of the show. All you annoying people are going to * dun dun dun *  
  
Hostesses: Boot Camp!!!  
  
Becca: And the people who put you on this show are going to be your drill seargents!  
  
All: *evil laughter *  
  
Becca: The next episode of Tales of Tortallans will be... the Boot Camp Episode! Mwahahahaha!!!!  
  
Ashlee: * bows *  
  
Issa and Becca: * wave *  
  
Ashlee: So see ya next time!!!  
  
All: * yell * AND THAT'S IT FOR TODAY'S EPISODE OF TALES OF TORTALLANS!!!!!  
  
Hey hey! I've finally updated!!!! What did you think?? Let me know! Review!!!  
  
~~Mistress Moony (aka Ashlee) 


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